Just a short note

I will not be continuing this particular blog after the negative wishes directed toward my health and life. Shortly though I will be establishing a new one on which I will be tracking my current adventure as it goes along.

It's going to be a very lonely next few months

I'm sitting here at home. I am alone. No transportation. My daughter will not stay in the same room with me for more than a few minutes. A couple of hours ago she left to go see a friend. When I called to ask if she was going to come home for dinner, she wouldn't answer her telephone. So I am going to have to struggle to cook dinner, though I don't really have enough energy to do it.

I don't have a car. Something went wrong with David driving Susan's truck and as a result I will not have transportation again until Susan manages to get it all sorted out. I'm sort of wondering what will happen if I can't even go to doctor's appointment for up to a week.

Mostly I am bored and lonely. I could distract myself with WoW, but it no longer works on this machine, and my laptop is really to slow for any play at the level I would have to play at.

I keep trying to do stuff such as work on my afghan and other such things, but I have almost no energy and my body isn't really happy with the pain pills I'm taking. Not that they do all that much anyway to be honest. Well, no more than for a short time. If I lay down then it seems to help a lot, but who wants to spend all their time in bed?

Right now I need to go fix the brussel sprouts for dinner and check the pot roast. In a bit more then I'll put on the rice and cook the sprouts, and make gravy, though I don't actually know if anyone is going to even be here. What is certain is that they won't eat in the same room with me.

Well, the verdict is in.

It's not my gallbladder as they suspected/hoped. It's cancer. At least that's what they figure it is right now and frankly they're not all that wrong all that often. So I am facing a long tough fight here, and one that I am not guaranteed to win. I'm not giving up on this.

People are being really supportive. If prayer actually works then I will be completely free shortly. *grin* Still, it is nice of people to care that much. My family is in shock. My daughter is the worst thus far. She's just not coping at all.

I talked to my sister, who is also a mess. She is coming out to stay with us next week. At first I argued that she really doesn't need to do that. We don't even have the full diagnosis yet, much less a treatment plan. Then I realized she needs to do this. For her. My ex has offered to pay my entire funeral expenses should it come to that. He made the offer to my daughter. That's a lot of money, but oh well. I am hoping not to have to take him up on it any time soon.

The odd thing about all of this is that I'm not really scared or upset. Obviously I would much prefer not to have to face it, but we don't get to choose what challenges life throws at us. As I told a friend, I've never been afraid of dying. We all do it at one time or another.

So for now, I'm sort of in a holding pattern. I need to know a lot more before we begin moving ahead toward whatever is out there.

I'm Getting Sicker

Seems I'm getting sicker by the day. While the dizziness and the severe upset stomach and sore spot are gone...sort of anyway....I'm very weak and I lack anything resembling energy. I don't just choose to lie down several times a day, I have to. I've developed an intermittent deep throbbing pain. With some Aleve it will generally go away in maybe an hour. I am not eating much. Nothing sounds good to me.

According to the tests my liver functions are off. That would explain most of what is happening I think. On Friday I get an ultra sound but because of my ongoing transportation issues, it will then be another entire week before I can go in to see the doctor again. I think this is going to be the longest ten days in my life.

I am thankfully still getting my paying work done, though it's an enormous struggle. I don't do sick well. It's very disheartening to be pretty much ignored by everyone in the house. When I'm too sick to cook they go out and eat. I'm still waiting for one person to ask me how I am feeling and/or ask if I am feeling better. That sort of hurts. Yeah I am whining. I'm allowed. I'm sick.

Being Sick is the Pits

I hate being sick. It's not something I do well. I've been sick for about a week and a half now. Since I had transportation today, I went to the walk-in clinic where I go. The doctor checked me out and did some tests. She pretty much agrees with me that it's my gallbladder. Depending on what the tests show I will probably need an ultrasound, which I won't be able to go get until Friday or Saturday at the earliest, depending on David's work schedule.

When I loaned him my car, it was supposed to be for 4 days tops. It's going on two weeks. Last weekend they laid around all day and did nothing whatever to start fixing the car he's going to use. At least this week they are out doing some stuff, so I assume they will get the battery and other stuff they need to fix the car. It would be very nice if that's what they're doing.

For now I'm not sure if I'm getting better or getting worse. The soreness is gone, but my stomach still isn't happy and I'm weak and tired. My guess is rather than having stones, I have an infection. That would explain feeling so rotten and the absence of any acute pain. I simply feel exhausted all the time. And I am cold. The heat is on. Oh well.

I finally had a smoothie for lunch. That set well with my tummy. I've sort of been more or less living on smoothies, cottage cheese, and fruit these past five days or so. I just want this to blow over. I want what little energy I have back.

Update: I got the results back on my tests. Liver function tests are way off. This is, as the doctor says, completely consistent with a gallbladder problem. I should be able to call and schedule an ultrasound for Friday. Cannot get it sooner, but will have a car on Friday. From there we'll decide if this is an infection that can be treated or stones, which means the gallbladder has to come out. That will wait until June unless I'm really sick. I need to keep working as long as I can.

Busy Sunday

This was a very busy Sunday for me. For the past couple of weeks I have been increasingly discontented with the part of the living room that represents one of my two personal spaces in the house. On Friday I decided that today I was going to get it clean.

After breakfast this morning I began very systematically cleaning the area. I emptied the magazine rack, then either stored away or tossed everything that didn't belong there. I emptied the trash, cleaned off the top of my little sewing table, cleaned off the top of a small storage box I have there as sort of a secondary end table. I cleaned off the end table itself then polished the wooden items. I dusted everything then moved it all out of the immediate area and moved my recliner. It's absolutely amazing how many dust bunnies make their home under recliners.

I collected all the books I had in numerous places around my chair and divided them into three piles. One would stay, one went into the Half Price Books box, and the other one came into the bedroom for later.

Then I dusted and de-cobwebbed, then vacuumed the entire area. I could not believe the amount of dust and lint I got off of it. By then I had to empty the waste basket again. After that I systematically put everything back where I got it. I had even found a nice nylon tote to put a lot of my craft projects into so they are in one place, and out of the way. It really looks good. Of course I misplaced one small item I really really needed to have at arm's length, but after a brief search I found it and returned it to where it belonged in the first place.

This was a lot of work and took me several hours. The next target is my bedroom. It shouldn't take as long as it's not as messy, but then again it has a lot less room for putting things than the living room area. I'll probably chip away at it this coming week between getting other stuff done. I am on a mission to get some things tidied up around here before I get homicidal about it.

Same Stuff, Different Day.

It is somewhere approaching midnight. I had a nice nap. Maybe an hour. Then my daughter got home. They've been yelling for the past hour and it's not likely to stop this time. Apparently he hit her in the cab on the way home tonight. At first he was denying it, then he said she hit him first, but now he's saying he's sorry, he made a huge mistake, and that he won't ever do it again.

I can all but guarantee he will never do it again. My daughter was in an extremely abusive relationship at one time, and she has vowed never to be in another one. I don't see her backing down with this, particularly since it involves physical violence.

Stress is such a wonderful thing. It keeps you up at night and keeps you alert. If stress were money, I would now be a multi-millionaire. Susan just got the dog. To get him out of my room now she has to bribe him when they are fighting. So she gets him a treat, and treat whore that he is he leaves. This is quite fine with me to be honest. I really don't sleep well with the dog anyway.

I'm out a bit of money, since I loaned him the money for her Christmas present, but that's ok. It is worth it in the long run. The constant fighting is going to leave me with a breakdown if it goes on much longer. The only thing that really worries me is that she will now go back to drinking like a fish, when she was making some progress toward at least slowing down.

In the end, however, I will survive this as will she.

Late Night Misery

I am sitting in my bedroom with my daughter's dog snoring on the bed. In the next room my daughter and her husband are in another of their seemingly endless yelling matches. It happens several times a week. I can't go to bed.

First off when they fight like this the dog is absolutely terrified and growls at everyone other than me. He won't leave my room unless I am with him. So I will be sleeping with the dog tonight because I cannot leave him alone and scared like that. He literally shakes all over at times.

It will do me no good to go to bed. I knew that this afternoon. If my daughter goes out then there is a huge battle when she comes home. They both yell and swear so sleep would be impossible. I didn't try earlier because once I am awake, then it's next to impossible to get back to sleep. I have this severe sleep problem that makes good sleep something to just wish for. It's already coming up on 11:00 and I have to be up at six to drive into the city so my son in law can go to a job interview. That means another of my work days is shot to hell, and I'll be exhausted. I'll have to work all or most of the weekend now just so I can be caught up by Monday.

We will come home and I'll stop on the way and pick up a few groceries for dinner tomorrow night. Then I'll start working. Between the housework and the work-work I'll be busy all day. Busy and exhausted. I don't nap because then sleep at night is a joke. This goes on week after endless week after endless week. I'm so stressed it's unreal. I got a biofeedback unit recently with the idea that I could maybe use it to help me sleep. Shoot. After almost a week I cannot get it into a normal zone. It just beeps at me telling me my stress levels are off the charts. This is not exactly news. I'm sticking with it though. Maybe one of these days things will calm down.

There is nothing I can do and I feel helpless about that. Or really anywhere I can go. My daughter depends on me for so much that I cannot just leave her alone to deal with everything. Besides (wry grin) the stupid dog thinks I'm its mother or something and runs to me for everything. I am not sure how he would survive if I wasn't here to calm him down and make sure he's safe. He even sometimes climbs into my lap shivering in fear from the noise. He weighs 60+ pounds and has sharp corners everywhere.

They're still fighting.

Exciting Family News

I just got a call from my daughter and our family just got some really exciting news today.

First a bit of background. Last spring my great niece got the opportunity to work as a goffer on a movie set in her town. She really enjoyed the opportunity and had a great time. Plus she knew that if any other movie companies were to be making films nearby, having worked on one would mean she would have an easier time finding work on another.

Fast forward to yesterday. Her school was in a tizzy. Will Farrel (an actor) was at the school for some reason. As my niece was walking down the hall he saw her and yelled out her name. He had been in the movie on which she had worked and she had come to know him over the weeks she had been there. They chatted for a bit while her stock in the eyes of her friends went through the room. As they were parting he asked her if she would like to be in a movie. She asked doing what, and he laughed and said no. He meant how would she like to be in a movie as in having a part in his next film. She was thrilled and said yes of course and gave him her home phone number.

Today his assistant called and formally offered her a small speaking part in his next movie, and set the wheels in motion for her and her father to make a trip to New York city next month. She will, of course, get paid and all expenses are taken care of.

To say that she's excited would somehow cheapen the word. The girl is 16 years old. She's so excited she can hardly breathe. Of course by tomorrow she will be a huge celebrity at her school.

I'm excited for her because this is something so few people ever get to do. Good for her and I hope it is everything she could ever hope for.

I hate bureacrats

Grrrr!!!!!!! I am so mad today I could spit nails. I have always known about bureacracies and the brain-dead loop you can get into with them, but it's been some time since I found myself in the middle of one of their insane catch 22s. Let me reiterate the fun time I have been having over the past two days.

A week or so ago I received a letter from the Social Security Administration saying they will no longer automatically deduct the premiums for my Medicare supplemental insurance plan from my monthly benefit. They did not say why they had made this decision.

Yesterday I received a letter from my service provider telling me that the reason the Social Security Administration had given them was that my benefit was not large enough to cover the premium. My benefit is 10-12 times as large as the premium. This did not make any sense.

I tried to call Social Security. Good luck with that. At first I tried to call my local office. I got two responses from that: in the first I got a recorded greeting, a notice that all their people were busy, and could I please hold. From there after maybe three minutes they apologized and asked me to continue holding. Three more minutes I was automatically sent to a full mailbox, then bounced back to the end of the line. Rinse and repeat endlessly. The second was even more fun. The message said "Thank you for calling the Social Security Administration. Goodbye." Then they hung up on me.

So I called the main office on the toll free line. After maybe half an hour of the most irritating telephone hell you can imagine I got to talk to a real person. She told me that the Medicare people has ordered the stop to the automatic deductions and there was nothing she could do without them telling her to do so.

The Medicare office just kept hanging up on me so I got irritated and stopped trying that. I called my service provider and told them what was going on. They told me that only a letter from the Social Security agency could fix things with them. Back to square one. I had a glass of Scotch and vowed to return to the fight the next day.

I reached the Medicare office the next morning (this morning). They checked their records and said that their records show that the authorization to automatically withhold my premiums was in effect and they had not nor could they tell Social Security to stop payment since they do not know the size of my retirement benefit, so had no way of knowing if it would cover the premiums or not. They sent me back to Social Security.

After endlessly trying to reach a real person in Social Security both nationally and locally I gave up and drove to my local Social Security office. The woman there confirmed that their records show that the automatic deduction had been stopped but there was no reason given. They tried to tell me I had requested it be stopped, but I squashed that one fast. She called Medicare who confirmed that my automatic deduction was valid and fine with them. She confirmed that the Social Security records showed they had ordered the deduction halted. She could not give me a reason and suggested that I should talk to my provider again, who had already sayd they could do nothing.

So here is where I stand. My premiums are not being automatically deducted. Nobody knows why. Nobody ordered it. Nobody requested it. And Nobody can fix it. Nobody has been really busy. My next step is to send a copy of something similar to this rant to my U.S. Senator and as that this be resolved. I need a drink. I need two; they're small.

Mike Huckabee is a Nut

Yesterday Mike Huckabee stated publicly that he wants to change the Constitution of the United States to conform with his version of "god's" law. How exactly he knows exactly what god wants is questionable, and what is more questionable is how one would determine which brand of god's teaching would be imposed on us.

There are as many versions of Christianity as there are stars. The definitions and interpretations of what the bible means fills libraries. Yet Mr. Huckabee wants to try to change the Constitution to impose what appears to be the Christian version of Sharia law on the United States.

I am very thankful that what he proposes is actually next to impossible. Changing the Constitution requires extraordinary cooperation between two parties who cannot even agree on what day of the week it is most of the time. Then it requires a 2/3 or 3/4 majority vote of the states in order to put something new in or take something old out of the document. This is as it should be. I'm really thankful after hearing him talking about what he wanted to do that he's simply spitting into the wind. I would hate like hell to believe for an instant that someone was willing to try to subvert this document.

People are already trying to explain away what he said. They're saying he only meant he wanted to force his views on abortion, gay marriage, and giving citizenship to anchor babies onto us, not the whole of the bible. But that's not what he said. For me, amending the constitution to conform with someone's religious beliefs is not only ridiculous it is the first step down a very slippery slope. I have my fingers crossed tightly that this will never happen.

I Am Bored

If I were any more bored I would be in a coma. It seems all I do these days is clean house, work, run errands, and putter. I cannot think of a single thing except playing WoW from time to time that doesn't bore me nearly to tears.

Most of this, I admit is my own fault. I've drawn more and more away from people and the world as I have gotten older. I'm simply no longer willing to put forth the effort it takes to find, make, and sustain friendships. Then one day I woke up and discovered I am a total hermit. What is even worse is that I have little if any real incentive to want to change that even if I had the slightest idea of how to do that at my age.

I'm very self-conscious when I am out in public. Not, as you might think, because of my weight. I made peace with that years ago and figure anyone who judges another by the breadth of their ass rather than by the depth of their soul isn't worth the powder to blow them to hell anyway. I am self conscious mainly about my teeth. I have nice dentures on the top, but on the bottom we got half way and I lost my job/insurance so I never could afford to have them finished. As a result when I smile I look like a jack-o-lantern on crack. So I rarely smile.

It's just easier and more comfortable (and lots more boring) to just stay home and fill my life with chores and projects. But I do admit that sometimes I really miss having someone to talk to. Year before last in the summer I went to Hawaii for a week and met some of my brothers friends. We talked politics and other things for literally hours. It was like being drunk but without the booze. I looked forward to every single day and couldn't wait to get up in the morning. I had a big grin on my face (at home of course) for two days recently when one of those guys sent a wave and a hi through my sister. It was so great to even be remembered.

Tonight, however, I am just bored. My daughter has been sick for days and is just now beginning to get better. She and her friend and husband are in the other room watching American Idol. Personally I would rather watch paint dry, so I am here writing this, then will do one of my Spanish lessons and read a bit in my new book "An Incomplete Education." It's a rather interesting big book of odd facts and information across a spectrum of subjects.

After another hour or two I will go to bed and thus ends another boring day. With more to follow. Thank heavens all of the errands were completed today. I don't have to go anywhere or do anything outside tomorrow. Yay!

The Great Stove Adventure

By now most of you know that I live with my daughter. She has been heating her home with a wood stove for a number of years since the possums pretty much ate out the insulation from under the house and the cost of operating the furnace went through the roof.

At best this is an inefficient way of staying warm. Given the size of her wood stove and the fact it is more an antique than a working appliance (/sarcasm) it didn't do a very good job. On top of that we had to find seasoned wood, arrange to have it delivered, stack it, etc. Then we had to haul wood into the house, start the fires, then remember to keep them going. It was an expensive proposition. It was dirty and messy and inconvenient. On top of everything else it was inefficient in terms of actually heating anything more than the room in which it sits and the room next to it.

I have had days where my hands hurt so bad from the cold that I could barely move them. The dog slept under an afghan on the couch to keep warm. I would routinely wear long underwear, sweats, two shirts and a sweater, plus gloves in the house just to stay reasonably comfortable in the coldest weather. It was, to put it mildly, miserable.

I started talking about replacing the old stove last summer. Susan is a great gal but she's really short on follow-through. It is December now, and she had not yet obtained sufficient wood to get us through the heating season. So earlier this month I just took the bull by the horns and offered to put the entire cost of the replacement on my credit card and she could pay me back half.

I shopped around, did research on the web, talked to people, etc. I researched fuels and different types of stoves. Finally I settled on a pellet stove for several reasons. First off, it's less expensive to fuel than wood, and the pellets are easy to find. It's less messy. It takes minutes every couple of weeks to clean the entire stove. I don't have to hoard cardboard and paper or buy starter logs in order to get a fire going. I don't have to remember to bring in wood or to put it on the fire to keep everything going. There are lots of reasons to get a pellet stove.

So a week ago Saturday we went stove shopping. We found one that we really liked and that was designed for the space we have to heat. It's really pretty. Ok. Pretty shouldn't figure into it, but it's nice that it's pretty. We ordered the stove and Thursday they came and installed it. Within two hours, however, the stove was making weird noises so I called the place where we bought it. After three calls I managed to get someone out. The problems were small, and included the need to tighten some bolts that were loosened in shipping, and the fact that we had gotten a bag of bad pellets. So we shoveled out the pellets, burned down the rest, and yesterday afternoon I vacuumed out the unit and cleaned the burn pan. It's been working well since, though they do have to come out one last time to move the stove very slightly so that one small but annoying buzz stops.

The nice part about the pellet stove, aside from the fact that it works and I am warm even in my room, is that you put a bag of pellets in it and several days later you add another. Depends on how you use the stove really. I don't like sleeping in a warm room, so I turn the stove down to 55 when I go to bed. It turns itself off unless the temperature in the house drops below 55, in which case it starts back up until it's at the right place again. Same during the day. We keep it set at between 68 and 72, but more toward the lower end. Not because we're nuts but because the stove is so efficient that we are comfortably warm at that temperature. So far we're more than happy with the new stove. I am more than happy with hands that work and not having to wear my entire wardrobe just to keep warm.

Tomorrow will be yet another adventure. The stove sits on a brick pad. Over the years the mortar has begun to crumble and the bricks have to be reset before the inspector comes out next week. My daughter's boyfriend was going to do it on Friday. He in fact got started, but then he got sick and didn't get it done. Yesterday, when he was feeling better, he had other things to do. Same with today. I am a person who asks once and expects a reasonable adult to keep their word. He didn't get the work done and I know that tomorrow he'll be gone most of the day with some business he absolutely has to attend to, so the work is not going to get done again.

Then again, that's not an accurate statement. It is, in fact going to get done because I am going to do it. I got out my daughter's home repair book tonight and checked the information in it. There isn't a lot to doing this. I am working with a single layer of brick. The only things I didn't know was how thick to put the mortar and where, and whether or not it went on the bottom of the brick where it meets the wood pedestal or not. I know these things now, so by the time he gets home tomorrow I will have replaced the remaining bricks. They probably won't look as good as if he had done them, but then again they will be done which is fairly important.

One of the most valuable lessons I learned in my life is that when push comes to shove, there is only one person you can every depend on totally and that's yourself. So I do my best to include other people in my life, but I never depend on them to do anything for me. If they do what they say they will do (rare) I am thrilled. If they don't then I do it myself or pay to have it done. It's the same with this. I would lay dollars to donuts that he won't get up early and finish the job before he leaves to do his business. I wish he would, but I absolutely don't believe he will.

So right now we have a great new stove that needs a bit of attention (probably will take 10-15 minutes tops to set it right), and we will soon have the few bricks that came loose around the front edge of the pedestal fixed. I'm later on to figure out a way to put tiles, a mosaic, or something on the bricks to make the whole thing look more like a nice hearth.

Stuff and more Stuff

I have been busier than the proverbial one-armed paper hanger the past few weeks. Somewhere I seem to remember reading that when you retire, you have more spare time and get to do a lot less. Well, with me "retired" is always a relative term anyway, but that's an entirely different story.

I finished one of my Microsoft assignments on the 30th of November and began the next one on December 1. Today I got an evaluation and the old group asked me when I want to start doing the next one next year. This is flattering. My current assignment, which begins today involves writing 589 biographical profiles, is going to take a while to complete as well. So it appears that while "retired" I will be busy throughout the upcoming year, at least part time, which is perfect for me to be honest.

I've discovered that what I need is a new hobby. Well ok, I need another 20 lbs on my butt about as much as I need a new hobby, but that's another story for another day. I've wanted to learn to do beaded flowers. I've made jewelry in the past, so I am familiar with some of the techniques, but beaded flowers are very pretty and very artsy. I was in the craft store yesterday getting some odds and ends and trying to get a picture of a quilt that Sewmouse wanted. I was talking to one of the instructors there. The long and the short of it is that she and I are going to get together some time in February in order to sit down and figure out how to make these intricate, beautiful beaded flowers. I love the idea of working with someone else. It will also fill in for those times I cannot knit. I did so much knitting over the past few months that I have managed to get repetitive stress in my right shoulder, which is getting better now that I am not knitting. I have to do some knitting though because I owe Sewmouse an afghan that is already started, but which I had to put down because of the pain.

I plan to use up a lot of my bits and pieces of yarn by making afghan squares for a local charity, but I had to switch my preferred method from knitting (much faster) to crocheting because I knit right handed (it's my right shoulder that's messed up) but I crochet left handed.

Right now, however, I've been slacking off around the house for so long I am fully expecting a visit from the local board of health if I don't empty some wastebaskets, vacuum, pick up, and wash the dog snot off of the majority of the windows.

I picked up a couple of things while out shopping today that should cause some comments around here. Last year one of my daughter's plants died. It was an old plant and I'm not really sure why it died, but it did. My daughter is insisting that I killed it. So today I saw some gorgeous plants of the same type, and absolutely huge for the price so I got her one. Sewmouse will understand this next one....I got the devil dog from hell a new hedgehog who does not have his sqeakers broken and who is wearing a Santa hat.

Meet Amy

Amy is the latest in my Christmas do-it-yourself accomplishments. She was not as easy to make, unfortunately since the directions were totally hosed up, and it took me literally a day or better to figure out how to make her head and her legs. The stitch counts were all off and two rows were missing on the head.

Amy is my statement against what is happening with imported Chinese toys. Today I heard that more are being recalled, this time because they contain dangerous chemicals that are literally putting children into comas. None have died thus far, but I suppose given the toy's popularity in both the U.S. and in Europe it's simply a matter of time.

I vowed when all of this started that I would not buy anything that was not American made, or that I did not make myself. This is the second of the do it yourself things, and there are two more to go, a sweater, and a hooded poncho.

Amy is not perfect, but Amy was made with love and she is not toxic. Even her stuffing was made right here in this country. I'm really rather proud of her, though I would hasten to add that given the time it takes to make one, she is not something anyone would make for other than the love of doing so or the love of the person for whom she is intended.

So anyway, say hi to Amy. I am sure she is glad to meet you.

I Had an Aha! Moment This Morning

I am sitting at my desk working on an assignment for Microsoft, when I had this Aha! moment.

The job I am doing is very complex. There is a pile of 40 some candidates for outstanding achievement awards. These are a lot of very important people. The job is mind-boggling because the write-ups are so god awful in most cases. Some are rather like trying to read a plate of spaghetti.

My job is to bring order out of chaos, discover what needs to be said that isn't in the documents before me, and then to contact the people involved, get the information, and complete the write-ups. And I have a bit less than two weeks to do it in.

Please understand that for this assignment, Microsoft came looking for me not the other way around. I'm a consultant. This was based on the smallest possible job I did for them sometime last year. I wrote up the proceedings for an off-site series of meetings they held. Someone there was so impressed that when this latest bunch of stuff came up, she asked for me by name, even asking my agency that if I were on assignment that I perhaps could work for them too on weekends and after hours. That was very flattering.

Deciding to take the job was one of my smarter decisions. Now to the aha! moment. I was busy firing off emails all over the globe to the director of this, and VP of that, then sending a suggestion to the manager I'm reporting to telling her of changes that need to be made in the process and volunteering (for money of course) to actually give some form to their current chaotic process (herding cats comes to mind) and write up a guideline to enable people to do a better job up front. That's when it hit me. In the past I have always been sort of overwhelmed by such important people and having to deal with them. I mean, some of these folks have world-wide reputations.

The aha? Well, I'm not only not overwhelmed by them any more, I don't feel at all inferior to them either. While I haven't accomplished the heady levels of technical and managerial they have, in my own way and in my own field I am just as good and just as accomplished. It's done wonders for my ego.

I think this happened in part because I am being treated as an expert and my opinions and suggestions are being respected with this group. They act as if I walk on water. I am referring to the local Microsoft group for which I am working, not the broader company or all of these technical geniuses with whom I am dealing. I honestly needed this. It's done an enormous amount for my self-esteem. It doesn't hurt that I get to work at home, set my own hours, etc. It also doesn't hurt to be told that people are so impressed by me and my work that they are asking my manager for a place in the queue for my services as each project is finished.

On some level I know my own expertise and worth. But on another I needed to hear it from someone other than the little voice inside my head. This next couple of weeks are going to be brutal. There is nowhere near enough time before the deadline. I'll meet it of course. I've already let management know I will be going into overtime and weekends. I have strategies for doing research until the answers to my emails begins coming in, and there are a very few of the nomination write-ups that are actually good enough and which contain sufficient information for me to begin the final drafts of those.

In the end I will do it. But I'll also turn around and refine their process so that next year whoever does this will not have nearly the hard time I am. In their defense, I should add that this program only started last year, so the guidelines have not really been set. They will be next year because I will set them. I feel very good about me this morning.

Frustration

I am frustrated enough to bite the dog today. I have a new assignment with Microsoft with a very tight deadline. I have 42 files to read, understand, research, rewrite, and turn in. I have two weeks from Monday to do it.

For some reason known only the the Microsoft network itself, the damned electronic babysitter will not allow me to access the site I need to be able to download the files I have to work on. The system administrator has worked for two days to try to remedy this and thus far we have failed miserably. This morning I still don't have access. Of course I didn't know that for two hours because the damned auto-update feature is also bugged and defective and didn't work, thus denying me access to any of the Microsoft site. Yes. I am being paid for that time. That's beside the point. Finally my daughter the systems administrator, fixes it for me and the updates get updated.

So I go out to the page I so desperately need. Still no access. For 20 of the files, I have paper copies. If things get desperate by Monday, I can enter these by hand and thus have files to work on. I have enough work for today and about halfway into Monday before I have to start doing this in order to move ahead. For those other 22 files, there is no way. If I cannot even see what they say, I can't assess what is good or bad, what is missing, or what research/interviews I have to do to bring them up to speed.

I am not terribly efficient when I am this frustrated, I admit. I need to start my interviews/research etc. on Monday once I am fully up to speed on what is needed on these current files. This I can do. However, with 10 working days to do it all, I am not happy with the idea that 22 files are out there I can't even read much less work on. I take great pride in the quality of my work. I work fast. I am willing and able to work long hours and weekends when necessary (nice paychecks btw when I do that).

So I have fired off a note to my boss and am going back to work on what I have. By the end of the day at least 20 files will be annotated as to who I need to contact, what information I need, and what research I need to do online to make sure that the story is written well. Monday I start on that and pray. I plan to hand enter only the file I most currently will be working on in the hope that somewhere along the line this mess gets fixed and I won't have to do all of them.

Grrrr......I don't need this.

I am So Excited

As many of you know, I am very political. I generally have an opinion on almost everything. Today I was listening to CNN when Jack Cafferty asked what we thought that the new embassy in Iraq, which has had huge overruns, has now had its opening postponed indefinitely. He asked what that said about the Bush administration.

I dashed off a response. Of course I didn't think to keep a copy of it. I just heard my entire comment read on CNN during the Situation Room. I was so excited. So I started dinking around with my mail program and found the original comment. Here it is:

"That boondoggle of an embassy will stand as a permanent monument to George Bush's ineptitude, and the failure of his policies in Iraq. It was started with inadequate knowledge and planning, carried out without oversight and apparently without a master plan for success, and in the end will stand empty as a hollow tribute to everything that went wrong over there. Mr. Bush cannot afford to fund health programs for poor children but he has no problem dumping money down a rat hole with projects such as this."

Yeah, I know it's a very little thing, but damn.

Meet Max

This is Max. He's a hand-made stuffed dog that I am giving my granddaughter for Christmas this year. I've been alarmed over the entire toy thing with all the poison paint and other things, and I don't know what is safe and what is not.

From my point of view, all the toys that are going to be put on the shelves for us to buy this Christmas season have already been manufactured and are either in store warehouses, already on the shelves, or in transit. We know from the reports that there are going to be many more recalls before Christmas is actually upon us. For that reason I determined not to buy anything that is not made in this country this year. I will not risk the well-being of my precious granddaughter for the profits of some greedy toy company who won't even do the basic quality control one would expect of any manufacturer, but especially for those who are importing toys from third world countries where safety and quality standards are all but nonexistent.

Max isn't perfect. Then again neither is his owner. On the other hand, Max is made with a lot of love, he's soft, cuddly, washable, and he contains nothing toxic. From his yarn to his stuffing he was manufactured in this country. He is safe. To me anyway, that's a lot more important than the fact he is not entirely perfect. He looks handmade. I suppose that's because he is. Funny how that works.

Anyway, Max meet the world. World, meet Max.

Another One Bites The Dust

In a good way this time. I got another one of my afghan projects for Christmas finished. This is for my ex-son-in-law and his new wife. It's pretty but I'm glad it's done and I can move on to all the other things I need to get finished.

It looks nice and will be something useful as well. I guess you can't ask for anything more than that.

I have had to redo the body of the stuffed dog I am making. I did something stupid and ruined the first one. But that is just one evening's work, so it's not that big a deal. I have also started yet another afghan. This is my next to the last one. From there I need to finish all the things for my granddaughter, and make my daughter's present as well.

This winter I will do something very unusual for me. First, and more important, I'll be working hard to finish Sewmouse's quilt for her. In addition, I plan to make a couple of sweaters and a couple of pair of socks for someone I almost never make anything for......me.