I woke up this morning with the remnants of the strangest dream lingering in my mind. It took the form of a conversation between me and a guy I couldn't see. In the dream he was telling me to consider something....all through history people have believed in real, honest to god, magic. There isn't a society or a faith that hasn't believed.
The guy was postulating that the belief exists because magic truly exists, but that it is surpressed because it's not a good thing for a lot of people to know about. He said that true ability is rare, but when it appears during puberty that someone quells it. A person is only deemed "suitable" to possess the skill if their inate talent is great enough to break the block that is placed on them.
This got me to thinking. There were lots of sketch details in the dream. Nothing really solid. But it's a fascinating idea. A secret world of magic (kind of like Harry Potter, but less benign and smaller) that has always existed coincident to ours. Magic controlled but not totally contained. Perhaps run by one or more secret organizations, but to what end? What secret would they be guarding? What would they be hiding? Why, if they had always existed, would they hide in the first place? What if there were several such organizations on the different continents? What would be the political rammifications? What would be their aim? How powerful would the oldest among them be? Would they fight among themselves? Maybe try to steal one anothers' sleeping possibilities?
As you can see, the idea has me fascinated. That's one reason I'm writing about it here. So I don't forget.
Friday, April 14, 2006
Monday, April 10, 2006
Who is in charge these days?
I was in the grocery store today. Ahead of me were a couple of women talking as they shopped. They were obviously either family or close friends. One woman was picking up assorted junk food as she went along. They had with them a little girl who was perhaps four.
The one, obviously the mother, pointed to the junk food and shrugged, while commenting to the other woman that it was all the little girl would eat. That she wouldn't eat healthy food.
I was stunned. Who exactly is the mother and who is the child in this relationship? It's the mother's duty to ensure that the child eats a heathy diet, and the child has absolutely nothing whatever to say about it. When did we move from adults as parents to kids as boss?
When I was raising my two, they had two choices at meal time. Take it or leave it. If they chose to leave it then they obviously were not sufficiently hungry in the first place. There were no snacks between meals if you had not eaten the original meal. At the next meal you were given the same two choices. No child is going to go hungry for long. They quickly learn when the adult they are facing off against cannot be manipulated.
In our house junk of any sort was a treat for weekends, and not every weekend. There was always plenty of healthy stuff if you got hungry. Sodas were special treats for very special occasions. As a result, my kids grew up having tried almost anything under the sun. Some they liked and some they didn't. I always made sure that if I was offering a new food, there was also plenty of other things for them to eat if, after they tried the new one, they decided they didn't like it.
As adults my kids love salads, vegetables, and trying new recipes. They literally eat almost anything. They are adventurous and if they've never tried something they don't say "ewwwww, I don't like that," they consent to take a bite and see if they like it or not.
Looking back on those women and the little girl in the store, I can see where the problem with kids getting fat and existing on poor diets originates. It originates with parents who are either too ignorant or too weak to actually be parents, and who find it easier to give into a kid's whining than to keep the child's best interest at heart and insist that they eat a healthy balanced diet with junk as a treat. And they will pay for it in the future as the child gets more and more out of control of themselves and more and more in control of the home. It's sad. No wonder kids seem to act so stupid in many cases. There's nobody at the helm to steer them in the right direction.
The one, obviously the mother, pointed to the junk food and shrugged, while commenting to the other woman that it was all the little girl would eat. That she wouldn't eat healthy food.
I was stunned. Who exactly is the mother and who is the child in this relationship? It's the mother's duty to ensure that the child eats a heathy diet, and the child has absolutely nothing whatever to say about it. When did we move from adults as parents to kids as boss?
When I was raising my two, they had two choices at meal time. Take it or leave it. If they chose to leave it then they obviously were not sufficiently hungry in the first place. There were no snacks between meals if you had not eaten the original meal. At the next meal you were given the same two choices. No child is going to go hungry for long. They quickly learn when the adult they are facing off against cannot be manipulated.
In our house junk of any sort was a treat for weekends, and not every weekend. There was always plenty of healthy stuff if you got hungry. Sodas were special treats for very special occasions. As a result, my kids grew up having tried almost anything under the sun. Some they liked and some they didn't. I always made sure that if I was offering a new food, there was also plenty of other things for them to eat if, after they tried the new one, they decided they didn't like it.
As adults my kids love salads, vegetables, and trying new recipes. They literally eat almost anything. They are adventurous and if they've never tried something they don't say "ewwwww, I don't like that," they consent to take a bite and see if they like it or not.
Looking back on those women and the little girl in the store, I can see where the problem with kids getting fat and existing on poor diets originates. It originates with parents who are either too ignorant or too weak to actually be parents, and who find it easier to give into a kid's whining than to keep the child's best interest at heart and insist that they eat a healthy balanced diet with junk as a treat. And they will pay for it in the future as the child gets more and more out of control of themselves and more and more in control of the home. It's sad. No wonder kids seem to act so stupid in many cases. There's nobody at the helm to steer them in the right direction.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Depression
Depression is something about which I rarely speak, but with which I live on a daily basis. I think I am writing about it today because I am exhausted to the point of being almost non-functional, and have had two glasses of wine. The combination is interesting. Last night I was awakened at 1:00 and was unable to get back to sleep, so I'm running on about 2-3 hours sleep tops, and that not contiguous.
I've been depressed for the bulk of my life. I can only remember brief times when I was not. The past few years it's become deeper and more pervasive. I've been "treated" for it. What a joke. The drugs work for a few months then stop working and the depression returns. The "therapy" involves me doing all the talking and the therapist sitting there saying "I see. And how do you feel about that?" If I knew how and why I felt as I do, maybe I wouldn't be depressed.
I have managed to cope and to build a successful career. However, I'm a hollow person. I have no friends nearby and few personal relationships those with family only. The irony is that at this time I cannot imagine having the energy to cope with real interpersonal relationships of any sort. Emotionally I'm sort of comfortably numb the majority of the time. This last is intentional.
A number of years ago I discovered that hope was the huge killer or potential killer. If you hope you have expectations, and when those are crushed over and over, eventually you begin to realize that being dead is the only way out. I didn't want to take that route, so I systematically set out to stamp out all shreds of hope in my life. It was a horrendous struggle and one I doubt I would have the energy to do today. But it worked. In the end I found that I exist in this rather comfortable state of numbness. I don't really have any emotions left. I tend to cope with each day as it presents itself and heave a sigh of relief when it is over. I expect nothing and am not surprised when that is what I get.
I have no energy. I've been chronically sleep-deprived for going on 30 years now. I haven't slept thorough a night in all that time. I have sleep apnea, but that is controlled with a CPAP machine. The doctors say there is no physical reason I should not sleep at night but I rarely sleep more than a couple of hours at a time. Then I wake up. Roll around a bit. Then go back to sleep for another short time. I honestly cannot even begin to remember what it feels like to be actually rested.
The major drawback to all of this is that I have to struggle so hard to accomplish anything. It's such an effort. My thoughts are often scattered and it's hard to concentrate, even on things I want to do or used to enjoy. Used to enjoy is the key word as I don't actually enjoy anything any more. My permanent state of mind seems to be bored off my ass.
I would like to say that I hope to see things change one day, but hope is not a luxury I allow myself at any time. Hope hurts. I would like to say that one day I expect to be better, but I don't expect that's true. Drugs only work for a very short time. Therapy costs money and I have no insurance. Perhaps when I retire in a year or so, I will be able to use my Medicare benefits to get some help. If there is help for any condition that has gone on this long and is this severe. Perhaps it's best in the long run if I accept that things are as they are. It's not as if I'm suffering now. I'm frustrated at times at being unable to accomplish anything constructive, but I'm not actively unhappy. I'm still comfortably numb. Life hurts. I guess I shouldn't complain.
I've been depressed for the bulk of my life. I can only remember brief times when I was not. The past few years it's become deeper and more pervasive. I've been "treated" for it. What a joke. The drugs work for a few months then stop working and the depression returns. The "therapy" involves me doing all the talking and the therapist sitting there saying "I see. And how do you feel about that?" If I knew how and why I felt as I do, maybe I wouldn't be depressed.
I have managed to cope and to build a successful career. However, I'm a hollow person. I have no friends nearby and few personal relationships those with family only. The irony is that at this time I cannot imagine having the energy to cope with real interpersonal relationships of any sort. Emotionally I'm sort of comfortably numb the majority of the time. This last is intentional.
A number of years ago I discovered that hope was the huge killer or potential killer. If you hope you have expectations, and when those are crushed over and over, eventually you begin to realize that being dead is the only way out. I didn't want to take that route, so I systematically set out to stamp out all shreds of hope in my life. It was a horrendous struggle and one I doubt I would have the energy to do today. But it worked. In the end I found that I exist in this rather comfortable state of numbness. I don't really have any emotions left. I tend to cope with each day as it presents itself and heave a sigh of relief when it is over. I expect nothing and am not surprised when that is what I get.
I have no energy. I've been chronically sleep-deprived for going on 30 years now. I haven't slept thorough a night in all that time. I have sleep apnea, but that is controlled with a CPAP machine. The doctors say there is no physical reason I should not sleep at night but I rarely sleep more than a couple of hours at a time. Then I wake up. Roll around a bit. Then go back to sleep for another short time. I honestly cannot even begin to remember what it feels like to be actually rested.
The major drawback to all of this is that I have to struggle so hard to accomplish anything. It's such an effort. My thoughts are often scattered and it's hard to concentrate, even on things I want to do or used to enjoy. Used to enjoy is the key word as I don't actually enjoy anything any more. My permanent state of mind seems to be bored off my ass.
I would like to say that I hope to see things change one day, but hope is not a luxury I allow myself at any time. Hope hurts. I would like to say that one day I expect to be better, but I don't expect that's true. Drugs only work for a very short time. Therapy costs money and I have no insurance. Perhaps when I retire in a year or so, I will be able to use my Medicare benefits to get some help. If there is help for any condition that has gone on this long and is this severe. Perhaps it's best in the long run if I accept that things are as they are. It's not as if I'm suffering now. I'm frustrated at times at being unable to accomplish anything constructive, but I'm not actively unhappy. I'm still comfortably numb. Life hurts. I guess I shouldn't complain.
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