Depression

Depression is something about which I rarely speak, but with which I live on a daily basis. I think I am writing about it today because I am exhausted to the point of being almost non-functional, and have had two glasses of wine. The combination is interesting. Last night I was awakened at 1:00 and was unable to get back to sleep, so I'm running on about 2-3 hours sleep tops, and that not contiguous.

I've been depressed for the bulk of my life. I can only remember brief times when I was not. The past few years it's become deeper and more pervasive. I've been "treated" for it. What a joke. The drugs work for a few months then stop working and the depression returns. The "therapy" involves me doing all the talking and the therapist sitting there saying "I see. And how do you feel about that?" If I knew how and why I felt as I do, maybe I wouldn't be depressed.

I have managed to cope and to build a successful career. However, I'm a hollow person. I have no friends nearby and few personal relationships those with family only. The irony is that at this time I cannot imagine having the energy to cope with real interpersonal relationships of any sort. Emotionally I'm sort of comfortably numb the majority of the time. This last is intentional.

A number of years ago I discovered that hope was the huge killer or potential killer. If you hope you have expectations, and when those are crushed over and over, eventually you begin to realize that being dead is the only way out. I didn't want to take that route, so I systematically set out to stamp out all shreds of hope in my life. It was a horrendous struggle and one I doubt I would have the energy to do today. But it worked. In the end I found that I exist in this rather comfortable state of numbness. I don't really have any emotions left. I tend to cope with each day as it presents itself and heave a sigh of relief when it is over. I expect nothing and am not surprised when that is what I get.

I have no energy. I've been chronically sleep-deprived for going on 30 years now. I haven't slept thorough a night in all that time. I have sleep apnea, but that is controlled with a CPAP machine. The doctors say there is no physical reason I should not sleep at night but I rarely sleep more than a couple of hours at a time. Then I wake up. Roll around a bit. Then go back to sleep for another short time. I honestly cannot even begin to remember what it feels like to be actually rested.

The major drawback to all of this is that I have to struggle so hard to accomplish anything. It's such an effort. My thoughts are often scattered and it's hard to concentrate, even on things I want to do or used to enjoy. Used to enjoy is the key word as I don't actually enjoy anything any more. My permanent state of mind seems to be bored off my ass.

I would like to say that I hope to see things change one day, but hope is not a luxury I allow myself at any time. Hope hurts. I would like to say that one day I expect to be better, but I don't expect that's true. Drugs only work for a very short time. Therapy costs money and I have no insurance. Perhaps when I retire in a year or so, I will be able to use my Medicare benefits to get some help. If there is help for any condition that has gone on this long and is this severe. Perhaps it's best in the long run if I accept that things are as they are. It's not as if I'm suffering now. I'm frustrated at times at being unable to accomplish anything constructive, but I'm not actively unhappy. I'm still comfortably numb. Life hurts. I guess I shouldn't complain.