Stressed Out

Currently I am so stressed out I am surprised I am even functional.

The biggest stress factor is that I am now convinced that my working days are over. Financially this isn't all that big a deal as I can make it pretty easily through the five to six months between when my unemployment runs out and my Medicare kicks in. Emotionally is another story. I feel as if I have been kicked in the gut and I don't know what to do with myself. I feel useless. All of this over my inability to find five to six months of work.

I am trying all sorts of things and it's really discouraging to me that I cannot find a simple writing job to hold me through my retirement date of December 31. I have been pretty creative. I've voluteered to write for people in the hope that something paying will come up at a later date. I've contacted some really non-traditional possible sources of work. I'm trying to freelance.
In the end, however, I know I have reached the end of my useful life and it's hitting me harder than I ever anticipated it would. I'm having severe headaches. My jaws ache as I am constantly clenching my teeth in frustration. I'm all but immobilized. I keep telling myself I should enroll in a Tai Chi class or something, but it just doesn't cut it. I will start walking a bit in the morning. Since even walking is very difficult for me with my weight but more with my bad knees and bad back, I am hoping it will just exhaust me and I can then sleep away part of the day.

I'm working on my book outline. I'm down to actually outlining the chapters now. I will be able to start writing in a week or two at the most which will help me a little. I'm working on finishing my will. I'm trying hard to get the information about what I do/do not have paid on my funeral so I can start paying for the rest, but the cemetery people are not cooperating even after three emails in three weeks.

Susan isn't helping any at all. She has taken up smoking at the age of 40. Lung cancer runs in our family as well as other types and she is being stupid and is now smoking as well as being a drunk with no intentions of stopping that either. Did I mention she decided she's a lesbian a few months ago? *sigh* I can't really say anything at all about this to her as she absolutely doesn't listen to me any more, but the stress of internalizing and repressing it all is making my life a living hell.

All in all, my life is nothing but pressure. I don't have a single release valve. It is just building up inside. I've not mentioned it to anyone, and so far I'm managing. Since I can't let things blow, I have to figure out a way to cope. I wish I had a clue as to what that is.