For the past couple of weeks I have been feeling more and more as if I live in a defective pressure cooker. There is pressure from all sides, I feel shut in, and there is no way to let off steam.
I am not a person given to outward displays of bad temper or other acting out. I expect to act as an adult. Since I moved back to Washington I have not made any new friends who actually live close enough to talk to face to face. I have only rarely left the house other than for essential errands for well over a year. Since I don't work and my daughter goes to watch TV in her room or nap I pretty much am existing in total isolation with only the Internet, some good online friends, and a game as outlets.
My daughter has a severe drinking problem and about six weeks or so ago she was pulled over on her second DUI in three years with a blood alcohol level of 2.5 times the legal limit. So we've been living with this. She said she quit drinking, but that's not exactly true I found out recently. As I said, I don't say much. Mainly I don't because she doesn't listen anyway.
When she's drinking she tends to be rude and hyper critical, which means she was bitching at me about minor things when she was talking to me. I mean so minor as leaving my bedroom light on while I went to the bathroom.
Just before this DUI incident, she had a breakup with her then girlfriend that resulted in the girlfriend being arrested and a restraining order issued. The girlfriend, in fact, was the one who goaded my daughter on the phone until Susan lost her temper and took off drunk off her ass to confront her.....and got pulled over and arrested. That part doesn't sound too bad until you know that the girlfriend is back. All is forgiven. *sigh* Again, I have said nothing since nobody would listen anyway.
Today was my daughter's court date. She plead guilty on the advice of her attorney so that the prosecutor would recommend a lighter sentence. It appears now as if she will be sentenced to 45 days in jail with work release for her job, another 30-90 days on home detention (she can only leave the house to go to work). Her license is suspended as of today. In a year she can apply for a provisional license. That means that for an additional two years she can only drive to and from work, and must have a breathalyser installed in the car. If she slips up even once, then it's six months in prison and a very large fine. Probably more because some new laws are about to go into effect.
There are other things of this type that are driving me nuts. Several others. The downside of all of this pressure is that I'm getting by on perhaps 3-4 hours of broken sleep a night and am so exhausted I have no energy for any of the bazillion things I need to be doing every day. I have an appointment at the sleep clinic the end of next month and maybe that will eventually help. I'm considering meditation but don't have a clue as to how to start with that.
The bottom line is that I am tired of being so tired. I want energy to write, and finish my website, and work on my projects. I'd like to feel that the prospect of a walk wouldn't be more energy than I can muster. Even thinking about it takes too much energy. I would love to finish my book and perhaps sell some magazine articles. I want to finish my non-fiction book outline. Right now I am barely eating (a good thing) and feel as if my head is stuffed with cotton. I'm back to having an upset stomach all the time, and a raging headache most of the time. I'm bored and too tired to even care.
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4 comments:
Whew. And I thought I was having a bad day.
Hang in there. Once the kids reach 18, they're on their own. Nothing you can do but watch and hope.
Bill
Maybe you should get into a low income senior apartment, they have very good programs and are very affordable.
That will get you away from that mess and with people your own age.
Your daughter reminds me of my ex. It's best to just get away from it.
Hey, you don't always have to act what you think is an 'adult' way. It's okay to cuss and scream at times to release steam.
That is going to be very expensive for her. It sounds to me like she is self-destructive, I wouldn't live with a person like that.
You should move to your own place. I don't know what programs they have there but here seniors get very nice places with the electricity and other services provided for as little as a hundred a month.
Your only extra costs is for phone and cable. Just saying.
Sweetie, you're in a toxic situation and the more time you spend in there, the worse it gets. Every time you get out of the house, you have a better day the next day - you probably can't notice it being so close to the "fire", but I can tell.
You need to take those walks, you need to sign up for that class we discussed, you need to find a way to contact BBC and talk to him about the programs he is suggesting.
You are NOT as trapped as you are letting yourself believe. Your daughter, her dysfunctional friends, her toxic alcoholic personality and your own need for "me space" - not to mention those abysmal dogs of hers - really do require this.
You need to get to the Senior Center. You need to look into programs there, and you need to talk to their people about possible ways for you to live independently.
You're a strong woman, and you need to draw on that strength and channel it into independence rather than letting life toss you in it's own storms. As Bill points out - your daughter is over 18 - she is an adult - and she needs to stop having you enable her to continue to be stupid by putting up with her crap just so you have a roof over your head.
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