Something I read made me stop and think

A friend of a friend recently asked if I were the type of person who insisted on always being in absolute control in relationship. That got me to thinking since it's the furthest from how I actually am that a person can get. Then it struck me; I am not even looking for a "relationship" in the sense that word is used most often. I would appreciate more friends and people to do things with and talk to, but I am not really interested in a "relationship."

I've concluded after thinking about it for a long time, that it would be unfair of me to even consider such a thing. My BS meter is on full from my marriage. I absolutely will not fight with anyone ever again over anything. Spirited discussions about various topics, yeah. Love them. A screaming match where someone tears down and stomps everything about me into the dirt then later says it was OK because he was "angry" no way. No way in hell ever again.

Somewhere along the line, after spending more years than I care to think about changing myself more often than the sheets on a cheap motel room bed, I figured out that I was never going to be good enough for anyone other than me. As one kind soul put it once, I am not pretty, I am getting old (that was some time ago), I'm heavy, I am too smart, too articulate, too educated, I make too much money, and I am not sufficiently deferential to men. That's when I realized that there isn't all that much that is actually wrong with me. Sure I have my faults as everyone does, but they're really not all that bad. I like who and what I am. I'm generous, kind-hearted, even tempered, a helluva good cook, an excellent writer, and those things that were listed as faults. So I decided to stop trying to change to meet someone else's expectations and begin working a lot more on taking care of me and meeting my own needs since nobody else is ever going to.

It's worked out well over the years. I had one slip some years back and the results of that hurt to this day, but I learned my lesson once and for all. I am who I am. While I certainly can improve and am working on that, I will do it for myself. Just as with every other person on this earth, I'm a mixture of good and not so good. I learned that the vast majority of people will judge me more by the breadth of my ass than by the depth of my soul, and that too is ok as that means they spare me the trouble of having to weed them out of my life when I discover that.

The most valuable thing I learned over the years is that basically I am a good person. Not perfect, but more good than not. I make a long term, very loyal friend. I have an excellent sense of humor. I'm bright, articulate, and dependable. I keep my promises. Ok. I don't make many promises, but I keep those I make. The negatives? Well, I tend to be extremely literal; that means that hints don't work with me. I never even hear them. I'm a bit on the stubborn side. I live inside my own head sometimes to the extent that I am oblivious to what is going on around me. I am slow to anger, but if you push hard enough and long enough to anger me I am capable of turning my back and walking away from you and closing the door forever. I say what I mean. I don't play games, and I refuse to be around people who try to manipulate me.

What this means in terms of "relationships" is that I am going to die without ever having known what it feels like to love or be loved in the romantic sense. That nearly killed me once, but I'm well over it now. I made the choice to abandon that hope and pursue those things in life I can actually achieve, and I've done fairly well at that. I still have goals I'm working toward. Some I will reach. Some I will never see. But in the end it's the striving that is almost as important as the goal anyway.